Holy cow. Hey there!

It’s been a while. I’ve been dedicating most of the time that I used to spend ranting about politics and getting therapeutic catharsis through writing… working in politics and getting actual therapy. 10/10, would recommend. Also there has been a pandemic, and… *gestures at the entire world*

But some traditions are too important to let slide. And the Sexy Costume Roundup is one of those things.

Two years ago, I wondered if Yandy was starting to Stockholm me. A year ago, I was wondering if Yandy was okay. Today, I can say with full certainty– Yandy is not ok. 

Going into this October, I wondered what would happen with Yandy. There’s a pandemic. Everyone is social distancing. What would be the point of sexy costumes? After one of my friends brought up the possibility, I also spent a full two weeks worrying that Yandy would make a “sexy COVID” costume because of course they would, and then someone who is familiar with my roundup shared with me the news that the Yandy CEO had said that he would not make the sexy COVID costume. So we have found the line– Yandy will not make a sexy version of a deadly plague. Good to know.

But that still leaves the social distancing problem, and the pandemic problem, and the “their heart obviously isn’t in it anymore” problem. And I think Yandy, as an entity, might be having a mental breakdown.

Going through the newest costumes reminded me a lot of those sci fi stories where robot servants carry on, bustling about for hundreds of years whilst waiting for their human masters to return (who are never going to return). And as the years pass, the robots degrade and their coding gets a little funny. They start filling soup tureens with motor oil. (This example came about 100% because I wanted the opportunity to use the word “tureen.”) They start putting the clothes in the washer and then in the oven. Etc.

Yandy’s programming has degraded. In a year FULL of memeable content and events, they have about…. six references to 2020 events. And they’re not all that good. They are still mashing together all of their familiar elements, but with no unifying logic, and no real sense of what they are doing. They are playing Mad Libs with fetish costumes and racism. It’s somewhere on the spectrum of hilarious-sad-pathetic. It’s like watching an old, ugly building slowly crumble on itself– you wanted it to go away the whole time, but you wanted it to at least go out with some dignity. 

So join me on this journey into Yandy’s broken psyche. And some other random stuff for funsies. 

As with previous years, I’ll start with the things that are actually good, so that I can give them the barest amount of credit and then move on with my life.

This is called “Sail Her Boom.” Pun– 0/10. Costume, 6/10. Let’s be honest, the Sailor Scout outfits were a hop, skip, and jump away from fetishwear to start with, anyway.

Oh my God. Oh my God yes. I would wear this all of the time. I would wear this to the grocery store.

This one, I would at least wear the pants all the time.

Yeah, I’d go on a Crusade in this. And by Crusade, I do once again mean the grocery store.

This one is a pretty average scientist costume. Also it’s basically a trick, because only the tie and the labcoat are actually sold as part of the costume.

Let’s not lie to ourselves. This dress is amazing and I would wear it to all the things.

Is this…. is this a new, interesting, and still sexy take on Cruella? It IS. I’m actually impressed.

Aaaand…. we’re done with the stuff that I actually like. I hope you enjoyed that. Now let’s get into the racism!

These are the “Voodoo Swamp Witch” and “Voodoo Dude” costumes, respectively. New rule: costume companies don’t get to use the word “Voodoo.” Especially if they’re gonna throw that costume on a white person.

I won’t lie, “Slay All Day” is a pretty clever name for this ninja costume. But it’s still a white lady. In a ninja costume.

I’m torn on these, because on the one hand, they’re actually pretty decent interpretations of the Disney characters. On the other hand, that Disney movie is hella racist. You can’t take Racist Lemons and make Non-Racist Lemonade.

There are more examples of racism, but it’s honestly mostly derivative at this point. You’ve seen all their flavors of racism before– they don’t have new tricks.

What they do have is yet more attempts to sexualize your childhood, with some… interesting results.

These are “Sugar,” “Spice,” and “Everything Nice,” the sexualized Power Puff Girls trio that you never wanted and continue to not want. Cuz on top of the whole “sexualized childhood character” thing, these costumes are just…. what? What even is this? You added laces and straps because you associate laces and straps with sexiness, but you managed to miss the mark. By a lot.

I’ll be honest, the net-like skirt had some promise. But as a whole… oh dear. Oh dear oh dear.

I just…. I don’t get it? Like at all. The bow and the cutouts and the skirt, I just… there had to be a way to make a Pokeball sexy, and they failed. Hell, I have seen swimsuits that very closely resembled having Pokeballs for the cups that were much sexier than this. There you go, Yandy, I solved your problem for you.

Let’s just… let’s just think for a second about someone having the thought process, “You know what I want to do with that little wooden boy? Find a way to fuck it.” Or alternatively, someone having the thought, “That girl looks like Pinocchio. That’s hot.” Then let’s scrub our minds with bleach and never think about those things ever, ever again.

The Sexy Pinnochio costume is only one of many signs that Yandy’s brain might be fried. Every year Yandy seems to pick on a few concepts that they decide to mass produce costumes around for basically no reason. One year it was the circus. Another it was Medusa. This year, their first topic of choice appears to be… sea captains? And honestly, none of the costumes are actually all that bad. I would absolutely wear them if I was an escort hired to work on a yacht. But I’m still just…confused.

Showing a stunning inability to Read the Damn Room, another theme this year appears to be law enforcement.

The next one is not only a cop costume, it is specifically a CORRUPT COP costume. Or as Yandy calls it, a “Dirty City Cop” costume. AND THIS IS THE ONE THEY CHOSE A BLACK MODEL FOR.

YANDY WHAT ARE YOU DOING? Also, I have to include the product description, because it makes everything so, so much more surreal:

“Don’t deny it, a bribe is hard to refuse. Even though you’re corrupt, you sure look cute AF doing it in this Dirty City Cop costume featuring a sleek wet look jumpsuit with zipper front closure and special operations patches, an armband with a knife, a single arm tie, a leg tie with police badge, tactical belt with bullets, silver handcuffs, and hardcore bullet bracelets. (Boots not included.”

…. YANDY WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

And if that wasn’t bad enough, we have “Arrested and Aroused.”

…go home, Yandy. You’re drunk.

Yandy also seems to be going through its goth phase. Half of its new costumes seem to be “Dark” something, or even better, a “dark” and “light” version of the same outfit. I will save you from most of the Hot Topic retreads, but the top examples are these…. whatever these are.

THEY HAVE THE AUDACITY TO CHARGE $110 FOR THESE MONSTROSITIES. WHAT.

I started my roundup this year with my friend sending me this picture of a costume from Dolls Kill and begging me to include a section on sexy costumes with built in masks.

Weirdly enough, I couldn’t do much to fulfill her request. I never even found the referenced Dolls Kill costume– I think they may have realized how ridiculous it was as soon as they put up the photo. I didn’t have much better luck with Yandy. There were shockingly few attempts to mix sexy costumes with built-in costume masks. And they mostly seem to involve skulls. I don’t know if they just assume that anyone who is actually going to a Halloween party in these circumstances already is an idiot who doesn’t wear a mask, if they just assume that everyone is doing Zoom parties at home, or if they are secretly part of the Deep State and are trying to imply that masks = death. The possibilities are endless.

As one of our final categories for this year’s roundup, we get to the “Yandy’s programming is breaking down” parts. They seem to have just gone back to their basic “sexy cat” and “sexy rabbit” programming. They’re just making generic sexy cat and sexy rabbit costumes. Or sexy cat and rabbbit mashups. A lot. So much. Really, so, so much.

Do you want to be a sexy cat in an black swimsuit with a weird necktie thing for some reason, or a sexy cat in a tiger swimsuit with a weird necktie thing for some reason?

Can’t decide between being a dominatrix or a cat for Halloween, or between a racist stereotype or a cat for Halloween? Yandy has you covered.

Ever wanted to know what a Playboy Bunny would look like in S&M fetish gear? Boom. Done.

There’s even a mashup OF sexy cat and sexy rabbit. Which is a see-through leopard print bodysuit with see-through leopard print rabbit ears. I’m very confused.

There is also at least one costume where they seem to be trying to come to grips with the fact that “Halloween parties” are just going to be all of us eating candy on our couches in our pajamas, and did their best to mix sexy cat-ness with said pajamas:

Now, finally we get to what I know you have all been waiting for, Yandy’s Oh So Clever Topical References.

Tiger King is the only thing as insane and salacious as Yandy, so it makes sense that their “Tiger Queen” costume is actually fairly on point.

This banana bread costume genuinely took me a minute to figure out, A, because it is hella dumb, and B, because the “breadmaking” phase of the pandemic was so long ago in Plague Time that I had already kind of forgotten it existed.

This Murder Hornet costume doesn’t look particularly murderous. Or hornet-y. So…. fail.

The “Banned App” costume. Yup.

I feel like the Mail-in Ballot costume and the “Postal Office Babe” costume have to go together. Also, not gonna lie, I kinda want the ballot costume so I can film ridiculous “return your ballot” commercials for the next election. First I want to shrink 12 sizes so I would fit it, but still.

And finally, the topper on the 2020 cake… hand sanitizer. I just…. what are words?

And that brings us to the end of our sixth annual Sexy Costume Roundup. And what have we learned today?

Nothing. Absolutely nothing. As per usual.

Happy Halloween, everyone. I hope you have fun, don’t go to any real-life parties, and avoid cultural appropriation or other means of being a dick on this holiday. Eat lots of candy, and take deep, calming breaths.